My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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