I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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