It's like a parade of train wrecks.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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