I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
