someone threw a dead crab at me
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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