apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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