if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
