I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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