I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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