so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Found your dick twin last night
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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