the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
this boner is exhausting
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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