Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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