my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
