you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What a dumb baby whore.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
