Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
being pregnant is like rehab
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
