new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
