i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
