Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
