Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize