I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
