Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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