roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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