I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
