she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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