Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
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Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
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I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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