He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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