so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
