cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
