Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
