Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
