So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
