DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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