Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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