Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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