Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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