Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
