He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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