Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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