Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
