Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
