I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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