but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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