He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
