So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
