I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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