a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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