is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
