hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
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