Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
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Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's shark week go big or go home
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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