so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
