Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
