When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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