i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
