So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
