Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
