I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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