awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
