Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
