Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
This is the high leading the old right now
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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