I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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