I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.