He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
