Don't make out with my wife yet
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories