Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.