I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
A bitchslap is in order.
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