so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
