The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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